So, evidently there’s a show every night on this cruise, so I went to see both. Both were more a conglomeration of themed music rather than shows, but I tried my best to piece together a plot. In the first, a Western, the story began in Texas. My hometown in Texas, actually. As far as I could tell, a hillbilly asked this girl out and the girl said no. She then proceeded to have sex with a skinny guy on a horse. The hillbilly, wallowing in a depressive slump, picked up a hooker. Mistakenly believing she was his one and only, he became even sadder upon seeing her dancing with a gay bartender. He then accused her of egocentricity, triggering an accusation of infidelity (although why such an obsessive guy would cheat on her is beyond me) from her. The skinny guy, meanwhile, sang about his newfound and undying love…for his country and military. He then left his woman for the armed forces. The end. Oh, and somehow we ended up in Tennessee.
The second show was harder. As far as I could tell, there was an opening menage a trois on a motorcycle, then Elvis ran away from his fangirls, who spied on him while he was taking a bath, then coerced him into cleaning a diner. To counter, he summoned an army of zombies to scare the fangirls away. Then the cast tried to convert the audience by crunk dancing in preacher robes and some hippies did the splits.
Have I mentioned the costumes? The girls’ seem to be designed to show enough to keep the audience’s attention, but not so much as to give the male actors boners. Unfortunately, the guys’ were perfectly designed to show off their balls. Awkward show, all in all.
I also had an amazing dinner. My little ten-year-old cousins made Deathly Hallows symbols with their utensils, and they played the sexy sax song on the speakers in our restaurant. Then my five-year-old cousin told me about his “home built Maserati that can go four hundred miles per hour. It’s excellent.” His words. He is a fucking genius. Literally. He’s sitting there rattling off his multiples of five, ten, and twenty, then starts calculating his multiples of threes and doubles of numbers like fourteen and eighteen.
Also, I don’t know what it is with the guys on this ship. Maybe they’ve all had too much to drink or I just exude an aura of attractiveness when I’m vaguely seasick, but some guy came onto me today. One of the photographers. Telling me about my beautiful eyes and how he hadn’t seen me around before. Um. One, honey, this is a ship. It’s not like I’m wandering in from out of town. Two, I’m Asian. What eyes?
But d’you want to know how I’m bringing all the boys to the yard? It’s the antibacterial nectarine mint hand lotion I’ve been using all over my body due to the salt air and the lack of body lotion. Mmmhmm.
I HAVE A SECRET. GUYS, I HAVE NO BALLS. I went to chill in a “lounge” (see “bar.” That’s the only thing to do here. Chill out in bars or listen to the comedian tell penis jokes or talk to the cheesy magician as he asks, “Did you have a good cruise?” with a really fucking creepy face. Oh, or sing karaoke and play mahjong. But there is no way I’m singing karaoke.) for a couple of hours to watch the live band, which was actually really good as bands go. This girl walked up to them and gave the guitarist a drink from this disco ball she had and he choked and was all, “THAT IS DISGUSTING, WHAT THE HELL IS IN THERE.” And she grabbed the mic and went like, “That would be straight vodka.” Later, I was going back down to my cabin, and the same girl’s in the elevator, and she said, “Are you thirsty?” and starts walking towards me like she was going to stab me with her — literally — disco stick. And instead of taking a sip, I’m just like, “I’m under 21.” WHY AM I SO VIRTUOUS, LORD. I have never had a sip of alcohol in my life. Then again, I don’t think vodka would be the best first drink.
Speaking of, I got to watch drunk people in action. There was, surprisingly, less stumbling and slurring than I imagined, and a lot more sexy dancing and innuendo.
Straight vodka and I didn’t even try it. I could kill myself. I didn’t even try it. And now my throat is all hoarse because the whole area was filled with indoor smokers.
I still can’t get over it. I TURNED DOWN STRAIGHT VODKA FROM A DISCO BALL.